


letters

by astralpenguin



Series: lead me to a future [8]
Category: The Maze Runner (Movies), The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Maze (Maze Runner), Amateur Sleuthing, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Crushes, Epistolary, Gen, Growing Up, Happy Ending, Hospitals, Implied/Reference Suicide Attempt, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, School Trip, Suicide Attempt, Valentine's Day, Weddings, at least they aren't together long, if the title didn't give that away, newt's bf is awful i'm sorry, which means this is told through letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-03-17 06:11:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18959476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astralpenguin/pseuds/astralpenguin
Summary: Newt wrote a lot of letters to Thomas over the yearsHere are some of themcannot be read as a standalone





	1. year 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi !! i'm not dead and i didn't forget about this oneshot request. it's getting kinda long so i'm splitting it up and posting some of it now, so it's not technically a oneshot anymore oops
> 
> this covers the timeskip between chapters 69 & 70 in [i was the only one who was looking at you](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13758102/chapters/31618308), and this will spoil that immediately. if you're planning on reading this first for some reason, then sure i'm not the boss of you, but please consider not doing that
> 
> as for wckd academy, i'm gonna get back to that soon, i promise !!! i just want to get this done first seeing as it's wayyy overdude. i need to get back into the habit of writing lmao

Dear Tommy,

It’s been six months since it happened. Exactly six months. You went into the lake on March 14th, and today it’s September 14th.

School started a week and a half ago. We’re not at Glade anymore, I mean obviously we’re not at Glade anymore, it’s September, but I just thought I’d say it just in case you’re a bit confused! It’ll probably be disorienting for you when you wake up, having missed the end of primary school and the very start of secondary school and all, but that’s partly why I’m writing this, so you’ll be okay!

You remember Brenda, right? Alby said that there’s a chance that you might not when you wake up because you only knew her for a couple of weeks, but you’re not the kind of person who’d just forget about a friend like that so I’m sure you haven’t forgotten her. But anyway, we all go to the same school as her now! It’s really nice to be able to see her during the day as well as after school now. It’s a lot easier to stay friends with her.

We’re not all in the same class anymore though :( secondary school is a lot bigger than primary school. I’m in the same form group as Minho and Teresa, though. The ‘Scorch Bus Gang’ as Minho likes to call us. We’re just missing you.

We’re friends with Gally and Ben now! The rest of us except Minho already wanted us all to stop fighting, and then you got hurt and it scared them, so they’re finally friends again. They didn’t want to risk having something like that happen to one of them and it all still being a problem. It sucks that this is what it took for them to realise that they were being dumb, but at least they’ve realised.

I see you every day. Teresa too. Minho most days as well. The only day that we haven’t visited you was on the last day of primary school. Your mum asked us not to go. I was gonna go anyway, but Teresa talked me out of it and we went to the end-of-school picnic instead. You’d have loved it. There was loads of food, and our whole class basically took over the park for the whole day. We sat in the same spot that our snowman was in. Do you remember the snowman? That would’ve been really recent for you so I think you probably do.

I’m trying not to get too sad writing this. Because there’s a chance you might read it when you wake up (which needs to be soon) and I don’t want to make things harder for you than they already are. Will be.

Mum said that writing letters to you could help me cope with what’s happening. I kinda get where she’s coming from, I do feel a little better. But what would make me feel even BETTER would be if you’d wake up. Six months is an awfully long time for a nap, you know.

See you soon!

Newt

 

Dear Tommy,

Did you know that we’ve never spent a Halloween apart before? Obviously we did when we were very little but I don’t remember those and you probably don’t either. We’ve always gone trick or treating together, or gone to the school’s halloween party, or gone round someone’s house to watch spooky films. Every year, our group has done this. Every single year.

But you’re not here this year and it’s not the same.

Sonya’s gone round Harriet’s with the rest of her friends, and I’ve got nothing to do until our friends get round here so I’m writing to you in the hope that it’ll stop being so weird. Maybe if I’ve written you a letter then you not being here won’t be so **wrong**.

I visited you earlier. Obviously I visited you earlier. Your mum was there. She’s amazing, you know. I love your mum. Did you know that she cussed out one of your doctors a few months ago? He said that it was a waste of time and resources to keep treating you and to keep you alive. Your mum’s reaction was so beautiful. For a moment I really thought that it would be enough to wake you up. It wasn’t though.

I don’t want to have to do Halloween without you. I don’t want to have to do anything without you. You’ve always been there, my whole life, and now you’re just. Not. There’s a person asleep in a hospital bed that looks like you, but that person doesn’t smile like you, so sometimes it’s difficult to believe that it really is you.

Okay it looks like I’m feeling very emotional today. That’s kinda why I’m writing to you now, so that I’ve calmed down before Minho and that get here. At least a little.

Please come back to us soon. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Newt

 

Dear Tommy,

What do you get someone for Christmas when they’re in a coma? Like, if you were here and awake then I know what I’d get you. But you’re not here. There’s no guarantee that you will be here any time soon.

I ended up getting you chocolate. So if you wake up, you can have it, but if not then your mum can have it. That’s okay, right? If you wake up just after she’s finished it then I’ll get you some more!!

I’ll get you all the chocolate you want.

I’ll get you anything you want.

That was always true though. I’d do anything for you. I don’t know if you know that, but it’s true. You probably don’t know. Didn’t. You’re kinda a moron like that. Literally everyone else knows how important you are to me, all except for you.

There is. No way. I’m showing you this letter. Out of all the ways I’d considered telling you how I feel, this is just not happening.

But if you’re not gonna see this one....

Tommy, I love you.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you

I miss you

That part isn’t a secret from anyone, not even you.

 

Tommy,

It’s your and Teresa’s birthday today. You’re 12 years old.

This time last year we went round yours, we had pizza and cake and Teresa nearly cried. And then we kidnapped her and I absolutely believe that you were right when you said we saved her life.

We were happy. We had no idea about what would happen.

You’ve been asleep for nearly a year. It feels like it was only yesterday that you went to follow Beth to the sports’ centre. Like, surely that just happened. It can’t have been that long ago.

But it was.

How much longer will it before before you come back?

Speaking of Beth, she had an idea that I think is pretty interesting. Taking care of you is pretty expensive, and your mum’s on her own so she’s gotta be struggling at least a little. Now I write that I realise that it sounded like I only meant that she’s struggling with money, but that’s not all of it. Nobody misses you more than your mum. Nobody. Not even me.

But! Beth’s idea! She said that we should do some fundraising. We’re gonna do a sponsored run on the anniversary. We’ve got quite a bit pledged by now, but there should be even more by the time we actually do the run. We’re gonna be running around the hall in the sports’ centre for an hour, and we’re being sponsored per-lap. Minho and Gally are being competitive about it, but they’re saying it’s not about who’s faster but who can raise the most money. Whatever, so long as they’re happy then it’s fine.

We all visited you today. We didn’t stay there too long, because it’s Teresa’s birthday too, you know? We went round to hers and watched a couple of films. They were good! We had fun! But I know I’d have had way more fun with you here. And I’m sure Teresa felt the same.

I just looked at my clock and technically it isn’t your birthday anymore.

This whole thing feels very strange.

Just wake up, okay? I’m sick of repeating myself.

 

Tommy,

Something that really gets me about it is that you had no idea what was about to happen to you.

Obviously you didn’t know. Somebody tried to kill you, that’s not something anyone expects to happen and it’s not something anyone plans for.

But you said you’d meet us at the hideout that night. You _said_ you’d see us really soon. And then you didn’t show up. And you weren’t at home when Minho and I went looking for you. It’s like you were living your life like normal, but then someone hit erase on you.

And the rest of us were left behind, expected to just be able to go on without you.

It’s a year to the day today since you....

The sponsored run went well, but I don’t really have much more to say about that. We ran, we raised money, we handed it over. Nothing else to report.

Mum says that I need to think about moving on, but I don’t want to move on from you. You’re everything to me. How could I live with myself if I did that to you?

 

Tommy,

Teresa had a panic attack in school today.

I don’t even know what triggered it! She, Alby, and I were sitting in the library at lunchtime trying to get our geography homework done when it happened. She started breathing funny and was crying and didn’t seem to be aware of anything around her.

One of the librarians helped me take her to the medical room. The nurse asked me if she’d ever done something like this before, but how am I supposed to know that?! Teresa may be one of my best friends but that doesn’t mean that I’m with her 24/7. The nurse also asked me if I knew why it was happening. I don’t think I like the nurse very much. I get that they were just trying to do their job but come on!!

I think Teresa’s grandmother must’ve come to get her or something, because she wasn’t in any afternoon classes. I hope she’s okay. It was scary just watching her have the attack, I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like to live it.

ETA: Okay, it’s the next day and she was in school today and she says she’s fine. She said it was a very delayed reaction to everything that happened before we helped her last year. Her grandmother’s apparently gonna see about getting her a counselor, which I think is probably a really good idea.

 

Dear Tommy,

Today was amazing!! It’s would’ve been 12847628374x better if you’d been here too but blah blah I’ve told you that so many times by now so I’m just gonna get on with telling you about my day because it was great.

Today was a school trip to the zoo!! Teresa hadn’t ever been to the zoo before so she was really excited, and it’s been a while since I’d been to one. Plus a day off lessons is always a good thing.

We didn’t get to choose our groups for the day. I was put in a group with Siggy, Brenda, and Harriet, and Tommy I am so glad that Harriet was there. Don’t get me wrong I love Siggy and Brenda but those two are very much a duo. Harri may be my sister’s best friend, but we get along really well as well. I do kinda understand why Minho decided that we must be in love with each other that one time, but like, I’m gay so

Huh

I haven’t actually admitted that to myself before. I knew it was the case, obviously, since I like you and you’re a boy, and I’ve never had a crush on a girl in my entire life, but I’d never actually said it.

I should probably restart this letter haha, I wanted to tell you about my day, not talk about liking you. Whatever, this can be a draft version.

Our group went around the zoo clockwise, so we saw the really typical zoo animals - elephants, giraffes, rhinos, stuff like that - pretty early on in the day. The lions are kept on the other side of the zoo though, which isn’t all that surprising now that I think about it.

Did you know that there’s a type of antelope called a dik-dik? The zoo had dik-diks! They’re small and adorable and I want one. The zoo also has an area were you can pretty much just walk through where some goats live, and you’re allowed to feed them this special food they sell there. Feeding and petting the goats is so much fun !!! One really big one seemed to figure out that Siggy had more of the goat food with him than anyone else did and it followed him the whole way round. He ended up having to give it _all_ of the food just so that it wouldn’t try and follow him out of the gate to the main path. It was brilliant!

There were llamas really close to the goats, and for a second I thought Brenda was gonna try and goad it into spitting at her. Thankfully she changed her mind. Harriet might have shown her a video of what llama spit really looks like? I’m not sure, I was looking at a tortoise at the time. But Brenda decided against getting on the bad side of a llama. That’s the important point here.

The koi exhibit was really nice !! There were lots of facts up about koi, and why they’ve been bred to be colourful, and what the different patterns mean. And honestly it was nice to see in person the animal that they’ve made up draw a million times in art class already. They’re pretty! If we didn’t get forced to draw them so much then I’d be more likely to actually want to draw them. Most of them were in an indoor tank, but there was also a traditional style outdoor pond that a few of them were in and the whole area looked really pretty! I took a few pictures. I can show you when you wake up. Or when you wake up we can all go to the zoo together, and you can see them for yourself.

I think my favourite part of the zoo was the ‘Butterfly Glade’. It’s basically like a big room with a doorway at each end with a bead curtain covering them so the butterflies can’t escape, and the butterflies are allowed to fly around freely in there. I loved it so much !!! Watching them fly around the room, flitting between all the different plants there were, it was breathtaking. So many different colours! And Siggy and I found that if you stand still enough for long enough, they can even briefly rest on you. I know that it’s ridiculous to feel like you’ve been ‘chosen’ by the butterfly but that’s exactly how it felt! Brenda complained that none of the butterflies landed on her but she wouldn’t stay still or quiet so I’m not sure what she was expecting from that.

We ran into a few other groups during the day. I definitely saw Minho somewhere near the lions, and I saw Teresa and Ben by the sun bears. Our group ran into Sonya’s while in the tunnel under the penguin enclosure. By ‘ran into’, that’s literal for Harriet. She was so focused on the penguins that she didn’t see Sonya walking right at her, and Sonya wasn’t paying attention either, so they walked right into each other. Idiots. It was pretty funny to see Harriet puff herself up, ready to yell at whoever dared not be watching where they were going, only for it to be Sonya. I think she managed to deflate and get rid of all her anger before Sonya was able to see it. They said hi to each other, and went right back to looking at the penguins. Well not quite. Sonya was more looking at Harriet watch the penguins than she was watching the penguins herself.

I think my sister has a crush on her best friend. Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions here, or projecting a little, but this really isn’t the only thing that’s making me think this. It’s not just the Penguin Incident. Although the Penguin Incident alone would be enough to make me suspicious, Sonya was looking at Harriet like she was the only thing worth looking at in the world. And I should know, it’s how I looked at you.

I hope her crush on Harriet goes better than how mine on you has gone. Though you’re in a coma, and have been for over a year, so honestly it wouldn’t take much for hers to go better than that.

Maybe I should talk to her about it...

 _Anyway,_ shortly after the penguins we went to see the sea lions and orangutans. Yeah they’re right next to each other for some reason and their enclosures share an entrance, it doesn’t make any sense to me either. My point is that the upstairs/outside bit, where you can see the orangutans if they’ve decided to go outside, there’s also the ruins of an old church. There were signs up explaining its history. That church was there long before the zoo was built, they built the zoo around it. It hasn’t been used as a church in a long time. It doesn’t even have a roof anymore. But it was pretty cool that it was still there.

Apparently, around Halloween, the zoo runs special shows and activities to celebrate, and one of those things is spooky stories told up by the church. Sonya and I are thinking about going along next time. It might be a whole group thing, or it might just be a family thing. Either way, if you’re awake by then, then you can come too! You’re literally always welcome with us. With me.

I didn’t buy anything from the gift shop because everything they sell is very overpriced, but Sonya got herself a bracelet with beads of agate (it’s supposed to be one of our birthstones apparently) and Minho got a giant plushie snake. Because of course he did.

This might be the longest letter I’ve written to you yet. And as soon as I’ve wrapped this up I’m gonna rewrite it with all references to my crush on you removed, just in case I decide to actually hand these letters over to you once you wake up.

I’m writing this in your hospital room, actually. It’s not the first time that Teresa didn’t come with me (that day she had that panic attack she didn’t come either) but it’s still strange to be here without her. But she was tired and wanted to go home, and she’s got a longer journey than the rest of us, and that’s fine! You’re gonna be just as comatose whether she’s here or not. You’re gonna be just as comatose whether I’m here or not, I know that, but I’m not ready to stop visiting.

Today was great, Tommy. Really great. I just wish you could’ve been here to enjoy it with us.

 

Tommy,

You transferred hospitals today. You’ve been moved out to the city, to a bigger hospital that has the facilities to be better able to take care of you long-term.

I wish that you didn’t need long-term care. I wish you were back with us already. I wish you’d never needed any care at all. I wish you’d never gone to the sports’ centre, or at least not gone alone.

I wish I’d gone with you that day. I could’ve helped. Someone else being there with you could’ve been enough to scare the killer away. It would’ve made their job that much harder, and they might’ve chickened out as a result. You could still be here.

I’m not going to be able to visit you every day anymore. You’re too far away. I’m gonna try for once a week at a minimum, but I can’t promise anything. Just know that I’ll be thinking about you every day, and your mum’s under strict instructions to tell me immediately if you wake up. If you open your eyes then I’ll know about it asap and then nothing will stop me from getting to you.

I had a horrible realisation a couple of days ago. I looked at the news articles from when you were found again, and there were pictures of the crime scene and the car you were found in.

I always thought that the car looked familiar. I finally figured out why.

Not even you would be so stupid as to get into a car with a complete stranger.

Happy summer, Tommy. Come back to us soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the zoo in this is based off one i've visited a lot myself, the map's [here](https://www.colchester-zoo.com/plan-your-visit/zoo-map/) if you're curious


	2. year 4

Dear Tommy,

Some days are easier than others. Which shouldn’t be surprising I guess, but it still is.

Today’s the fourth first day of school that you’re not here for. But you’ve never been here for a first day at this school. It’s normal for you not to be here. And it doesn’t hurt as much as it did the first time. I know you’d probably be happy about that, that I wasn’t hurting over you as much as I used to be, but I don’t know. It feels like I’m betraying you.

Yeah, some days are easier than others. But when it’s important ones like today, I wish they weren’t. If the wound was still raw then at least I wouldn’t be feeling guilty about it.

If you were here, you’d tell me I was being dumb. At least I think that’s what you’d say. We were 11 last time we actually spoke, so I guess I could’ve misremembered what you were like. But I don’t think I have. You were always positive, always determined, always cared more about your friends than yourself, and this intensified so much in those last few weeks.

You never did tell me how you knew what was going to happen, you know. You still owe me that one. I have my theories, but I want to hear what you have to say. But I’m not gonna rush you.

Wake up. Get better. Then you can explain.

Newt

  
  


Tommy,

I was talking to Rachel earlier today, and for a moment I could’ve sworn you’d possessed her and were talking through her to me.

I know that obviously you weren’t doing that, but bloody hell Tommy, that girl is eerily similar to you sometimes.

She was only talking about this tv show she likes, but the  _ way _ she was talking about it...

Passionate, driven, focused. She was angry about the way a certain character’s being treated by the narrative of the show they’re from, and frankly I’m convinced that if she could reach into the story herself to fix it, she would.

Surely you don’t need me to explain why she reminds me of you.

You’d get along with her, I think. Her and Aris. I want to see you and Rachel bounce ideas off of one another, I think that would be really fun to watch.

Then again, maybe that isn’t such a good idea. I don’t doubt that the two of you working together would be unstoppable, and what if you decided to use your combined powers for evil? What would the rest of the world do then?? We’d have no chance!!

Not that you would do that, of course. I trust you. You’d have to keep Rachel in check though, I don’t know her as well as I know you and she could be capable of anything.

Aris is a bit quieter than Rachel, a bit calmer, but it’s obvious that he cares a lot about her. I’m pretty sure that at least half the year thinks that they’re dating, but they’re not. It doesn’t bother them that people think they are, though. Honestly I wish that I had that kind of confidence. If that many people were convinced that I was dating one of my friends when I wasn’t, it would really stress me out. But they don’t seem to care.

They both went to the same primary school as Brenda, so I doubt you ever met them. You might have seen them on one of those days where you spent too long with Teresa on the bus and ended up being late to school, but you probably wouldn’t remember their faces. They don’t remember yours.

They don’t come with the rest of us when we make the trip to the city to visit you, which I completely understand. They didn’t know you, they don’t have any emotional connection to you, they’d just be standing in the hospital room of a complete stranger who they can’t even get to know because he can’t talk. But they’ve already contributed so much in the fundraising we do. I asked Rachel why, and she said that you’re important to the rest of us, so you’re important to them as well. Aris said something similar when I asked him, as well.

I can’t wait for you guys to meet each other properly.

  
  


Tommy,

Minho has a crush.

He actually has a crush on someone.

I feel like I’ve been waiting for this moment for my whole bloody life, this is beautiful, it’s amazing,  _ finally  _ he can understand what it feels like.

If you were wondering, yes, I noticed it before him (it took him an extra three weeks before he realised and told be about it), and yes, I’m absolutely taking this opportunity to make fun of him for it.

Serves him right in my opinion. This is wayyyy overdue.

The thing that makes this situation even better is who he has a crush on.

It’s Gally.

_ Gally, _ Tommy.

Would you have seen this coming? They hated each other so much when we were kids! This is hilarious, everything about this is hilarious.

Okay actually not everything.

You know Ben? We weren’t really friends with him, but even you aren’t so oblivious that you don’t know who he is, seeing as we were all in the same class. Remember how Ben pretty much followed Gally around everywhere? They were inseparable.

Ben’s liked Gally since...

Note to self to scrap this letter, but I’m almost certain Ben’s liked Gally since before I liked you. And unlike you, Gally’s been around this whole time, so Ben’s crush on him hasn’t faded to any degree.

Maybe I don’t need to scrap this letter actually. I had a crush on you when we were kids. I’m older now. I still love you, you were my best friend, and if you woke up today I’d do my best to make sure that we stay best friends now. But I haven’t spoken to you since we were 11. Part of me will probably always be a little bit in love with you but I don’t think I have a crush on you anymore. Not really.

Anyway! Ben! Minho! Gally!

I think Gally likes both of them, to be honest. I don’t quite know him well enough to be sure, but if either of them asked him out, I bet he’d say yes. Whether he’s aware of how he feels is another matter, and on that I have no idea.

Entertaining as it is to watch Minho suffer, I really hope this situation doesn’t cause too much drama. This kind of shit can end friendships. Clint and Jeff only just started talking to each other again after all the shit with Natalie, and I didn’t think there was anything that could break those two apart. Mr Brown said that if there’s any school year that friendship groups are likely to argue and splinter apart during, it was last year, but I’m still a little worried about it.

It’ll probably be fine though. I trust those three not to be dicks over something like this. At the very least they’ll have enough respect for the rest of us not to do that.

  
  


Tommy,

Happy coma anniversary.

The sponsored run went well, as usual. We manage to raise more and more every year.

Four years is a long time. It’s over a quarter of our lives. You’ve been in a coma for over a quarter of our lives.

How many times do I have to write or say some variation of ‘wake up’ before you do it? How many more years is it going to be?

It would probably be sensible to just accept that you’re never going to do it. But I don’t want to be sensible. If I’m the sensible one in every other area of our lives, then I’m allowed to have this one thing.

I know you’ll come back to us one day. I hope that day comes soon, but even if it doesn’t, that’s okay. Take as long as you need.

I’m still gonna be here waiting for you.

  
  


Tommy,

I’m going to go grey early and it will be solely Minho Park’s fault.

(I was too young to go grey at all while you were still around otherwise you’d be sharing that dubious honour with him)

So after a month of pining, Minho got bored of it and told Gally how he felt. Gally said yes, as I suspected he would, and they were happy together for over three weeks.  
At which point Minho decided that the world would be better off if Gally was dating Ben instead.

Which okay, good deed and all, but the  _ way  _ he went about it, Tommy.

I just-

I feel sorry for Ben. He was sitting in the Art room, minding his own business, getting a headstart on his inking for class, when Minho confronted him about how he feels. And he didn’t do it tactfully, he marched up to him and straight up said  _ ‘You’re in love with my boyfriend, aren’t you?’ _

That moment is seared into my brain for all eternity. I’ll never forget it. I’m scarred for life.

I’m not gonna write out everything that happened after that, because A: you can probably make some accurate guesses, and B: we’re gonna want to tell you in person so we can see your reactions to it.

The main results of it were that Minho and Gally had what I think is probably the most amicable break up in history, and Gally and Ben are together now. I promised Minho that we’d go get ice cream - I’m paying - to heal his  _ ‘broken heart’ _ after school.

He’s not heartbroken at all, he’s fine, but ice cream outings are always fun so what the hell, I don’t mind paying for him.

So that’s where we’re at. We’re visiting you right now, and we’re gonna go get the ice cream after. There’s a nice place a few blocks away that’s really good. We’ve been a few times now, usually after visiting you. I can’t wait for you to be able to try it.

I wish you could’ve been there today honestly. Minho is ridiculous. Completely ridiculous! But that’s why we love him, isn’t it?

I haven’t written to you while sitting in your room for a while. I used to do it all the time, but then you were moved away and I stopped being able to visit every day, so the time visiting you became more precious. But Minho’s here planning some of his English essay, so I thought, what the hell? It’s not like you’d mind. You’d probably actually prefer that we were doing something productive instead of just staring at your face for an hour straight.

I was about to make some kind of comment about not minding staring at your face for an hour straight, but I looked over and was struck by how much it’s changed.

We’ve grown a lot over the past 4 years. We’re not small children anymore. But last time your face and body moved around as if there was an actual person inside, we were. I know you as a smiling 11 year old, but even if you woke up right this second, that boy is gone. And the boys you know are gone too.

Every day, I’ve hoped that it would be the day that you’d wake up. And don’t get me wrong, I do still want you to wake up!! But if this is difficult for us, I can’t imagine how difficult that day is going to be for you.

But no matter how soon or far away that day is, I promise that I’ll be here for you. We all will.

We love you Tommy.

So much else may be changing, but I know for a fact that that will stay the same.

Newt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the minho/gally/ben incident has a oneshot about it [here!!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15773952)


	3. year 7

Dear Tommy,

You’ve officially missed all the rest of our first days of school. Today was the last one, and, like always, you weren’t here for it.

It was weird. We’ve finally been at this place long enough that the first day back didn’t feel very exciting, but just like a return to normality. But there was also a kind of wistful melancholy energy about it, because it’s the last one. It’s difficult to describe properly.

Remember the last first day in primary school? Sonya and I got to school really early because our parents had to get to work, so for a while it was just the two of us sitting in the playground. Some younger kids and their parents started arriving, but then finally Alby showed up, and then did everyone else.

Then did you.

You were so happy to see us, even though we’d all slept over at mine a couple of nights before, so it wasn’t like we’d all been separated for any great length of time. And we all slipped seamlessly back into our lives at school, as if the summer break hadn’t even happened. But that weird wistful melancholy was still there, because it was the last time we’d be doing that in that place.

So you do know most of what today felt like. You didn’t miss both of our last first days.

You just missed this one.

I miss you, Tommy. I wish you were here. I wish you were experiencing everything with us. I wish that I could talk to you properly instead of being stuck writing letters that you’ll never read, or talking at someone who can’t hear me and hasn’t heard anything for years.

But missing you is like a dull ache that I’ve learned to accept and live with, rather than the sharp, all-encompassing pain it used to be. If I want to, I can focus on it, and make myself suffer, but that’s not a good habit to get into, and I know you wouldn’t want me to do that. So I don’t focus on it. And sometimes I can almost forget about it.

Almost.

I don’t think a day goes by where I don’t think about you at least once. Your coma might not hurt as much anymore, but you’re still a massive part of my life. You always have been and you always will be. That’s never going to change.

In less self-reflectory news, Teresa and Minho finally got together over summer! Fucking finally!

I didn’t find out about it until about half a week after it happened because the little shits decided that they were gonna not tell anyone and wait to see if people figured it out, which I  _ did,  _ thank you very much. I figured it out pretty much the moment I saw them. But still! They could’ve told me! I’d promised Minho a celebratory card when they finally happened and because he didn’t tell me immediately he ended up getting his card late!

So yeah, it’s been a month since then and they’re still going strong. Ben and Gally are also still going strong. My sister is also still pining while her oblivious best friend dates other people, and seriously that’s been a situation since we were 12. Did Sonya ever strike you as the type to pine? Did she? She’s  _ very _ good at keeping it on the down-low, in all that time I think I’m the only one who’s noticed. And I noticed it immediately, before she’d even thought to hide it. I asked her about it about a year and a half ago, and she said she didn’t want to talk about it and swore me to secrecy, but if I get the tiniest sense that Harriet feels the same way then I’m locking them in a room together until they confess.

I guess it isn’t all that surprising that she’s gotten herself into this situation. She  _ is  _ my sister, after all. She’s spent longer pining for Harriet than I spent pining for you, but part of me is convinced that if it weren’t for the coma then I’d probably still like you today.

That’s another downside to your coma I guess, it means that my sister’s beating me in something! This cannot stand! Quick, you need to wake up and be so amazing that I immediately fall right back in love with you, I have to snatch this victory away from her!

I’m joking, obviously. Mostly. I’d love it if you could wake up soon. Forget about the falling-in-love stuff. That shit doesn’t matter.

I’m aware that I’ve sounded like a broken record for years.

Love you, miss you, I’ll try to visit sometime this weekend.

Newt

  
  


Tommy,

Dan asked me out !!

Dan being the ~hot and mysterious new boy~ that I’ve had a minor crush on for the last month or so.

He’s tall, he’s muscular, he plays football, he’d have pretty much free pick of any girl he’d like, and my tiny gay heart just latched onto him, okay? Never in a million years did I expect him to like guys, and even if he did, never in a million years did I think that he’d pay me any attention. He’s so far out of my league that it’s not even funny. Which is why it was only a minor crush, I’m not in the habit of getting my hopes up over something that I know for a fact will never happen.

We have a date this Saturday.

I’m not used to being wrong about who people like but in this case I do not care.

Dan !!! Asked me out !!!!!

He just strolled over to our group at lunch, casual as anything, and asked if I had any plans for Saturday. I said I didn’t, and then he said he was gonna take me out for dinner.

He  _ winked _ at me.

Tommy, I don’t really know that I’m doing here. I’ve only been in one actual relationship before and A: it was a couple of years ago now, and B: it lasted two weeks. I think - I hope - that this will last longer than that. 

Imagining what you’d say or how you’d react if you were awake is a really bad habit of mine but right now I don’t care. If you were here, I think you’d be just as clueless as I am, but you’d be sharing in my excitement and you’d be really happy for me. The others are happy for me too, don’t get me wrong! But they’re all trying to give me advice about how I should act or what I should wear or what I should expect. Especially Minho, who seems stunned that I’m not putting much faith in his relationship advice. I love the guy, but he’s got two things right ever, which is not a high level of success. The two things being about Ben liking Gally and about me liking you. Although, he was the last one to know on both those occasions, which just proves my point. Minho cannot be trusted when it comes to relationship advice.

But you’d admit that you didn’t know how the future was gonna go. You’d let me babble excitedly at you, possibly joining in on the hype, without trying to tell me what to do. A lot like when we were nine, and mum let it slip that she was going to get me that bike I wanted for Christmas.

I can’t babble at you in person until a couple of days after the date, so I’m babbling at you on paper instead. I’m sure you won’t mind lmao

See you soon! Wish me luck!

Newt

ETA: Boyfriend !!!! He asked to be my boyfriend !!!!!!!

  
  


Tommy,

Guess when the teachers decided we should have our mock exams?

The first week back after Christmas. Immediately upon return. No time to get back in the school mind-set, not even one day to reacclimatise, they start on the first day back.

I’m mad.

One benefit of mock exams is that, like when we have our real ones, we don’t have to be in school if we don’t have an exam. But of course I’ve got one first thing on the first day.

Which is tomorrow.

And I’m writing to you instead of studying because I spent all of yesterday studying (the day before was New Year’s so no studying was done then) and I can’t face another day of it, I just can’t.

I’m being overly dramatic. I know. And in all honesty I probably could just not study at all today, I’ve been studying all through the break so I do actually feel prepared.

It’s the principle of the thing, you know? There should at least be a day between the end of the break and start of exams, even if they aren’t real exams.

I guess you could say that a benefit of being in a coma through the entirety of what would be your time in secondary school is that you don’t have to do any exams, but I know you, and you’d rather be here suffering with us.

I just noticed that I said ‘entirety’ as if it’s a concrete fact that you won’t be waking up until after it’s all over. It’s not a concrete fact. You could wake up any day.

But let’s face it. You won’t. You’re not waking up before school ends, that’s just how it is. And if you even wake up before we’re all done with education completely, I’ll be shocked. They days where I seriously thought you’d be back soon are gone. I haven’t given up completely, I’m never doing that, I swear. But I’m not a kid anymore. According to the doctors, you’re barely alive. It’s been years since this started, but you still have a long way to go.

Wow okay I’m making myself sad when that wasn’t the aim at the start of this letter so I should probably stop. I think I’ll call Dan, see how he’s getting on. Maybe later I’ll see if any of the guys wanna meet up. If worst comes to worst I can go bother Sonya about something, that usually helps cheer me up.

Newt

  
  


Dear Thomas,

Happy Valentine’s Day! You definitely had a better day than I did.

Yesterday was great! I asked Fry if he could help me make some cupcakes for Dan, which I know is really cheesy but I wanted to do something nice. While we were waiting for the cakes to bake and then cool before we could decorate them, we played a lot of Mario Kart. I didn’t realise just how bad I was at Mario Kart, but I Am Dreadful. Fry is not dreadful. Fry did very well while I did terribly. Thankfully, while he is also the better cook/baker, I’m not dreadful at that, so when I say that he was helping me, he really was just  _ helping _ me. Sonya came down a couple of times as well, mostly because she wanted cupcakes for herself. I ended up roping her into making another batch for us to keep, and we sent Fry home with some as well.

I’m procrastinating telling you about today, can you tell?

Anyway, I got to school today, cupcakes in hand, and I went to find Dan. Our friends hadn’t seen him, and his friends said they didn’t know where he was when I asked them. I didn’t realise at the time, but some of them looked confused when I asked after him, and his best friend looked kinda nervous. I guess that should’ve tipped me off.

I eventually found him right before the first bell. He was round the back of the bicycle shed.

Kissing Alejandra.

If I hadn’t been holding the tray of cupcakes then I think I would’ve confronted him right then and there. I know I would’ve. I can’t explain it, but in that moment I felt like I’d been through this moment before, sans cupcakes, and had confronted him, and it had gone really badly. ‘Laughing stock of the school’ badly. It was probably just anxiety and shock induced deja vu, but whatever, the idea of those consequences and the cakes in my hands meant that I just left and went back to the common room. There was just enough time to put the cakes on our table before I had to get to class.

I explained what happened to the others at break, and told them that they were free to have the cupcakes instead. They were all horrified. Rachel and Minho both offered to beat him up for me, which was very sweet of them. Brenda said something about setting him on fire, which come to think of it I should probably be more concerned about than I actually am, because she started plotting out an alarmingly detailed plan. I don’t think she’s actually going to do it. I hope.

If he does somehow get set on fire I’m destroying this letter because I’m not being the reason my friend goes to jail.

I was able to get hold of Alejandra at lunch. We were walking out of the cafeteria at the same time, so I asked if I could talk to her for a second. She’d never struck me as the sort of person who’d willingly be someone’s side chick, she’s always been really sweet. I was right, she had no idea. Once she realised what I was saying she was so upset that I almost wished that I could go back in time and not tell her. She told me that she’d been seeing him since around Christmas, that she had no idea that he was in a relationship with me, and that they were supposed to be going on a date this evening.

He’d told me that he couldn’t go out tonight because of a family thing.

Neither of us wanted to make a scene in front of everyone, but if we confronted him at school then that’s what would happen. And he’s basically an uber popular jock, so you  _ know  _ that I’d come off looking worse if we tried, and Alejandra wouldn’t come off looking all that great either. So Alejandra and I made a plan.

I guess you could say that today wasn’t all bad. It had a really shitty start, but the look on Dan’s face when he showed up at the restaurant and saw both of us sitting there was priceless! He spluttered some bullshit about her being his beard, but she wasn’t having any of it, thank fuck. Like, come on dipshit, if that was the case then you wouldn’t have asked her to keep it a secret.

Alejandra and I had a pretty good meal once he’d gone! The restaurant gave us free dessert. They said it was to say thank you for the free entertainment, which suits me fine. All the food was very good. Apparently Alejandra had chosen the place because she goes there often with her family, and I think that she and her family have good taste.

Blah blah insert line here about how you and I and whoever else wants to come can try it out once you wake up, I’m nothing if not predictable.

She asked after you. She never knew you, but like everyone she’s heard a lot about you over the years. She wanted to know if there’d been any recent change (there hasn’t) and then she asked about what you’re like. I just about managed not to take up the entire meal talking about you and how much I miss you, which I think I deserve a lot of credit for.

I’m gonna try and stay friends with her. I think our group has reached capacity, and I think she’s happier to spend her time at school just with Ximena which is fair, but she’s a really nice person who didn’t deserve what happened to her today. Or what’s been happening to her over the past couple of months without how knowledge.

I dug out the letter I wrote when he first asked me out. I couldn’t read past the first couple of lines. I was so happy and excited and confused and hopeful, and now I’m just hurt. I can’t possibly be the same boy who was that giddy over being asked on a date. But I am. Somehow, I am.

I’m not okay right now. But I will be. And while I may be single, I’m not alone. I’ll get through this. This is nowhere near the worst emotional pain I’ve had to get through, so I know that I can get through it.

And besides, being visibly happy and getting on with my life is probably the best sort of way I can show Dan that he’s beneath me. Because that’s what he is. Someone who treats other people with such disrespect simply isn’t worth my time.

Hopefully when I tell Minho, Rachel, and Brenda about how this evening went they’ll stop plotting ways to hurt him.

Newt

  
  


Dear Tommy,

I’m writing you this letter from a bathtub. Why am I writing you this letter from a bathtub, I hear you ask? Well, let me tell you a story.

It’s the end of school. Completely and utterly. The last exam is over, people around you are emptying their lockers and clearing out the common room, notes and past papers are being discarded. It’s all done.

If your name is Sonya Elizabeth Ross, then this is the perfect excuse to throw a massive house party.

She actually asked permission this time, which was wild. Even wilder was that she got it! Mum and dad were going away for a few days anyway, so they figured, why not? So long as Sonya paid for everything and she cleared up afterwards, they saw no reason why not. Their only condition was that nobody stayed overnight.

Sonya negotiated for Harriet, and they accepted that.

(I don’t think I ever actually got around to writing about it but a week or so before exams started, Harriet asked Sonya out !!!!!!! I’m very happy for them and this has been a long time coming)

Thing is, the upstairs bathroom just got redone. Four months ago, the bath that I am currently sat in literally did not exist. This bathroom is very new. And wasn’t cheap. And massive house parties with unsupervised teenagers, most of whom have easy access to alcohol, means that there will be drunk people around. And drunk people are capable of all sorts of stupid things.

So mum asked me to make sure the bathroom doesn’t get trashed.

So I’m guarding it.

My logic is that the room can’t get trashed if people don’t use it. And, considering the ratio of people here to alcohol available, and considering the time (it’s relatively early), nobody’s going to get drunk enough to want to use the bathroom for  _ anything _ while there’s a sober guy sitting in the bath.

I don’t really like parties anyway, so this works out well for me.

Teresa and Minho are checking on me pretty frequently, bringing me food and whatever. Nearly everyone else has come and said hi at least once, which is nice of them. I’ve only had to fend off one person from actually using the room so far. There’s a perfectly good toilet downstairs, people are free to use that one.

Is it weird that I keep expecting to see you walk in?

Today, everyone but you has walked into this bathroom to say hi. I guess this means that there’s an alternate universe where nobody but you came in to talk to me. I wonder what went differently in that universe for that to be the case? Obviously, nobody tried to kill you, or if they did then they didn’t get so close to succeeding. But where’s everyone else?

Okay scratch that idea, I’ve just realised how that universe would come about, and sorry Tommy but I wouldn’t trade our friends’ lives for you. If someone told me that I could let the killer have Minho and Brenda and Teresa in exchange for you not getting hurt, I’d tell them to shove a cactus up their arse and to fuck right off. I love you, and I miss you, but I also love our friends, and hard as it’s been without you, I don’t want to see a world where we didn’t save them.

And let’s be real, if I did make that trade then you’d never speak to me again. I think that if you knew what would happen to you if you saved them, you’d have done it anyway. I’d like to think that if I knew what the consequences would be, I’d have still helped you.

Of course, if we knew what specific action would lead to you getting put in a coma then we could’ve avoided that specific incident, but this thought exercise is becoming pointless so I’m gonna stop now.

I’ll come visit you tomorrow. Mary’s probably gonna want to hear about how I think all my exams went. For some reason it’s not annoying when your mum asks about it, work that one out.

I’ve always got along really well with your mum, and I’ve spent a lot of time with her over the years. She’s great. You really hit the jackpot when it came to parents. I don’t mind mine so much, but they’re not awesome like your mum is.

-

Jesus Tommy I just had to yell at Sonya to take her girlfriend to her fucking bedroom instead of deciding that the bathroom floor was good enough. The moment that our parents get home I am demanding financial compensation for guarding this fucking bathroom for them, bloody hell, that came so close to being scarring.

It’s broken my focus. Which is probably a good thing actually, because when I get focused while writing these I usually end up making myself sad, and I think I was getting close to that point. I think I shall take it as a sign from the heavens to wrap this shit up and start doodling or something instead.

See you tomorrow!

Newt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i updated wckd academy the other day so if you're following that fic and haven't seen the new chapter then go check it out :D


	4. year 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note the tags, pls be careful
> 
> also this is an update at the same rate that i used to update the main fic, and the rest of this is gonna come at the same rate :D camp nano has given me a good kick up the butt and i'm finally writing again

Dear Tommy,

It’s been a really long time since I’ve written a letter to you. I’ve written a couple of them over the last couple of years, but not as many as I ever did in school, and none in the last few months.

Why am I explaining this? Either I’m never gonna hand these letters over to you, in which case it doesn’t matter how often I write, or I will hand them over, in which case you’d probably be relieved that the amount of letters isn’t a big as it could be. Or you won’t care. There’s already a lot of them, going a few months without writing any doesn’t make much difference.

I got my results a couple of weeks ago! I passed my second year of university, which is a bloody relief. There was a good chunk of time where I genuinely thought that I was gonna fail so badly that they’d kick me out. But I passed! It  _ totally _ made all the sleepless nights and misery and panic attacks worth it.

Sorry, this is an honest letter. I’m not sugar coating anything. Not this time.

I haven’t completely hated uni but it hasn’t been great. To the point where I think I might have actually been better off dropping out in my first year, but the sunk cost fallacy is most definitely a thing that is affecting me.

I’m writing this right now because I’m trying to get my thoughts in some sort of order. And also because one of the nurses realised that I was the same person as that kid who visited that other kid who was in a coma every day all those years ago, and that the visiting kid used to write the coma kid letters, and  _ Do you still do that honey? Do you think it would help?  _ and she gave me some paper. I don’t have anything better to do right now, I can’t think of anything I could draw instead, and it would be rude to just ignore it. She’s being nice, she’s trying to help. And even if this doesn’t end up helping, I don’t think it can make me any worse so it’s worth a shot.

I’ve been feeling terrible lately.

Turns out that not sleeping, and forgetting to eat because you’re so focused on getting your projects for uni done, and always being some level of panicked because of it, wreaks havoc on your mental health.

Who knew, right?

I’m a moron. How was I ever the voice of reason for our friendship group? For you? We collectively made a massive mistake with that one. I know because if I had even the slightest amount of sense then I wouldn’t  _ be _ here right now. I’d be at home and my leg would be fully functional.

There’s a chance I might never heal completely. It’s unlikely, I’m in a hospital and they’ve already talked to me about how long it should take and what rehab will be available when the time comes. But no matter what, I can expect to be off my feet for at least three months, maybe as many as six.

I can’t even kill myself right, can I?

I can’t let any hospital staff read this because they don’t know I did it on purpose. I begged Minho not to tell when he found me. They asked him what happened when we were in the ambulance, and he told the paramedics that I liked climbing up high places, that I was probably just sitting on the rail for fun and that I must have slipped. A freak accident.

The paramedics obviously bought it but the jury’s still out on whether anyone else will.

I’m not even suicidal! Or at least, I didn’t think I was. I didn’t plan any of this, at least. I didn’t wake up that day knowing that I was going to end it by jumping off a bridge. I may have proven that I’m not as smart as we all thought, but I know for a fact that if I’d given myself time to actually plan out how I was going to kill myself, then I wouldn’t be alive now. I wouldn’t have failed. I make good plans.

It was just a bad day is all. Sure, it was one of the many I’ve had recently, but it wasn’t anything I wasn’t used to. I decided I needed to go for a walk so I went out.

I know I said something to Sonya as I was going out the door, but I don’t think anything can make me remember what it was. I was upset and more focused on getting away than anything else. At a guess, it was something about not needing her permission to go out. That’s what I’d say now with a clearer head. We’re not children, she’s not my mother, I can go out whenever I want. To be fair to her it was 4am but I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly, all I remember knowing was that I had to get out of that house or I was going to scream.

Whatever I said, she was worried enough that she called all our friends and asked them for help finding me. She told them that she didn’t think that I should be alone, but didn’t know where I was. She didn’t say anything that actually implied that she thought I was suicidal. If anything, I think she was more worried about me hurting somebody else. But anyway. I’m glad she called them, and I’m glad that she wasn’t ignored. As far as I know, everyone who she was able to contact went looking. Nobody went back to sleep or ignored her or anything. The only people who didn’t go looking are the people who completely slept through their phones ringing, and apparently those people all asked after me as soon as they got her message.

I wouldn’t have expected that response. Not ever.

I really love our friends, Tommy. I adore every single one of them and I need them all to live long and happy lives because they’re all are angels who deserve it.

Jumping off the bridge didn’t even occur to me until I was on the other side of the railing. I got up there, and I’d been walking around for ages already at that point and it wasn’t helping. Nothing was helping. I’d gone on this stupid walk at 4am to clear my head and calm myself down and it wasn’t working, so I thought that maybe if I put myself in a more dangerous position then maybe I’d come back to myself. And it didn’t work. Obviously it didn’t work.

Only then did I think that it would be better if I just died.

And I let go.

I can’t believe I just let go like that.

I realised a moment before I hit the ground that I’d made a horrible decision, but there wasn’t anything I could do at that point. And when I did hit the ground, my leg made such an awful noise and it hurt so much, I couldn’t move at all. I figured that it didn’t matter that I’d changed my mind, a car would come along sooner or later and there was no way they’d see me before hitting me at full speed. I was just waiting to die.

But Minho found me. Minho found me because he’d taken Sonya seriously and gone out looking for me instead of spending the night in with his girlfriend like he’d planned to. He saved my life. If it weren’t for Minho being there, I’d be dead. I’m fully convinced of that.

He used the torch he’d brought and my phone as lights to ward off any potential traffic, and he called an ambulance, and he kept me awake and distracted from the blood. He promised not to tell anyone that I tried to kill myself. Obviously he can’t stop people from figuring it out for themselves, and considering that he took one look at me and knew exactly what had happened I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the others do figure it out, but I asked him not to tell and he immediately promised that he wouldn’t. And you know that Minho doesn’t break his promises without good reason.

I guess a good reason for him to break this one would be if he thought I was going to try it again. But I’m not going to try it again. Even if I still actually wanted to die, the amount of pain I’m in is a very good deterrent. I know it would be a lot worse if I wasn’t on any painkillers, but it still hurts like a bitch.

My leg was broken in three separate places. Not even fractured, straight up broken. I don’t know how long I was in surgery, but I do know it was a long time, and I’m forever going to have Fun at airport security because my leg has metal in it now.

Does this technically make me a cyborg? It wouldn’t make any of this worth it but it would at least be a silver lining. 

You know, I’ve never been truly glad you weren’t here before. But right now I am. I still miss you, but Tommy, at this precise moment I’m so bloody fucking relieved that you’re in a coma and so can’t be here to witness any of this. You’d be devastated that this happened, and you’d blame yourself that I got to this point. I know that Minho does, no matter how many times I’ve told him that that’s bullshit, and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone else, and especially not on you.

I hope you never have to find out what happened. Obviously, if I hand this letter over then you’ll know, and if you wake up before I’m fully healed then you’ll know I got hurt somehow. And I don’t think I can lie to you. Not to your face. If you see me with a broken leg then you’ll ask how it happened. Anyone would ask how their best friend got hurt so badly, but you especially would. And if you ask me directly then I won’t be able to lie to you.

So, this is gonna sound so weird coming from me, but stay asleep for six more months. If all goes well, then I’ll be fully recovered by then. You’ll have no reason to ask about what happened, so I won’t have to tell you.

I probably will tell you about it one day. Let’s be real, I’ve never been able to keep anything from you, and I see no reason why time should make any great difference to that. I couldn’t even keep my crush on you from you, the only reason you never picked up on it is because you were a bit of a dumbass. Or you did pick up on it and were just sparing my feelings by never bringing it up. If that’s the case, then thank you. You did the right thing. If you’d brought it up only to reject me, I wouldn’t have blamed you or been upset with you, but I would’ve been hurt. It might’ve damaged our friendship, and that would’ve been awful for all of us.

Fuck, if I’d died the other night, then I’d have never seen you again. The last time I spoke to you would’ve truly been the last time I ever spoke to you. And then what about you? If our positions were reversed, and I woke up after God knows how many years only to find that you’d killed yourself, I’d be distraught. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I know you’re stronger than me, but how could I consider putting you through something even remotely like that for even a second? How could I go through with it?

I’m so sorry.

For so many reasons, I’m never doing that again. This was my low point. It’s not getting worse than this for the simple reason that I’m not bloody letting it.

First, my leg needs to heal. And my ribs - there’s a couple of fractures there too - as well as any other injuries I’ve so cleverly managed to give myself. I should probably also talk to a professional about all this. Like, a therapist or something. I also need to contact the university arrange taking a year out. Right now, I think that I do want to finish the degree, but I’m not in a good enough place at the moment to handle it. I want to focus on getting better, both physically and mentally, before tackling any more of that.

Do you think this sounds like a good plan? I hope it does.

Mum and dad won’t be happy that school isn’t my first priority, but then again they might’ve already used up all their disappointment when I decided to study art. They’ve got law student Sonya anyway, and  _ she’s _ 100% supportive of me and my life choices, so it doesn’t really matter what their opinion is of me.

I’m being harsh. They love me, and they haven’t shown any disapproval in my degree choice since the end of my first semester. They got over themselves a long time ago. And even they will have to admit that breaking your leg as spectacularly as I’ve managed to, as well as fracturing your ribs, is valid grounds for pausing the whole school thing to recover, even without the mental stuff on top.

I think I’m gonna be okay.

This did help. This helped a lot. I must remember to buy that nurse some chocolates or flowers or something when I get out of here, because I feel a lot better now than I did before starting this letter.

I think I see one of my doctors. She’s stopped at the nurses’ station, but she’s glanced over here a couple of times already, so I’m guessing she’s here about me. So I should wrap this up.

I probably won’t be able to visit you for a while, but as soon as I’m allowed to, I promise that I’ll be right there.

Your friend, Newt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> newt calling himself stupid over his suicide attempt is his own perspective on things. if you're feeling suicidal, please know that this does NOT make you stupid, and please _please_ seek help. the world is a better place with you in it


	5. year 13

Dear Tommy,

Sometimes it really hits me that somebody actually tried to kill you.

You were a kid. An ordinary kid, with family and friends and lifelong dreams. You tried your best to make sure that the people around you were safe and happy and not left alone. You shone so bright, and someone decided that they had the right to snuff that light out.

Your coma is a tragedy. But it wasn’t a tragic accident. It wasn’t just a thing that happened. It wasn’t inevitable. Someone  _ chose  _ to hurt you. Someone, who could’ve made the decision not to try and kill a kid, decided instead that they were going to try to murder you.

And the fact that you were probably only targeted because you’d stopped them from killing other kids makes it even worse. You knew more than you had any right to know, true, but everything that happened could’ve also started just out of concern that people were lonely.

What kind of monster would kill kids?

What kind of monster would kill a kid out of revenge?

I’ve spent a really long time trying not to think about all this too hard. I was already a mess because you weren’t around anymore, there wasn’t much point dwelling on the details. And after the police dismissed me like they did, it didn’t feel like there was much point.

But they never found the bastard who did it. They never even had a serious suspect. And it’s been nearly 13 years now, so it’s not like any new evidence is gonna be showing up any time soon. I doubt there’s been any serious investigating into it for years.

Either the killer need to suddenly confess, or you need to wake up with your memory completely intact and you can tell everyone who hurt you.

The doctors told me way back when it first happened that there was a good chance that you’d have some amnesia of the incident when you woke up. It’s to be expected. And Sonya says that even if you do wake up with no amnesia, then your brain could still have conjured up fake memories to fill in the blanks, and you’d be condemning an innocent person. At least, that could be argued in court. She and I both agree that that’s so unlikely that it shouldn’t be considered seriously, but a jury might listen to it.

All that can really be done to catch them is to  _ catch _ them. To prove it was them, and to get a confession out of them.

Reading up about the case is kinda becoming a hobby of mine. I have the advantage over the police of knowing that the attack on you is connected to what could’ve happened to Teresa, Minho, and Brenda. It’s connected to the mystery guy on the bus. It’s someone who could’ve got at all those people and all the places involved.

Proving it is another matter entirely, but if I could at least solve it? That would be amazing. If I solve it, then I can move on to proving it.

Minho and Teresa said that I’m probably just gonna set myself up for disappointment, but they’re helping me anyway. They’ve written out lists of people that they trusted as kids, and that therefore would’ve easily been able to hurt them had they really wanted to, along with accounts of what happened. We’ve then been looking into these people, building up case files. With this alone we have a better list of suspects than the police ever did.

Sonya’s with us for legal advice, but can’t help much more than that, even though she wants to. Her work keeps her very busy. I’m glad she’s got Harriet to help look after her, and to make sure she’s looking after herself. We keep proving that we’re related in other ways, so Harri and I have decided that we’re gonna try our best to stop any mental breakdowns with Sonya before they have a chance to happen.

The last person in our little makeshift amateur detective team was an unexpected addition.  
I ran into him at the library. I was looking at old news articles about when you were found. It had been a while since I read them, and I figured that it was possible that I’d missed something, when this man got my attention. He said that he was looking for some old newspapers, and that he thought that they might be the ones I was using, and would I mind if I shared? And then we got to talking.

He said that his name was Vince. He used to work with your mum at the Right Arm, so maybe you remember him? Anyway, he’s been looking into it as well. But that’s not all he’s been looking into.

Do you remember how you said it was difficult to find a killer who hasn’t killed anyone? Well that’s the only thing you got wrong, Tommy. This killer had killed before.

There haven’t been any deaths that can be connected to it since before what happened with you, but Vince noticed a pattern while looking into something else. Ever few years, a small town would see the kidnappings and murders of three children. Always three children. Then someone would be convicted and the cases would be closed. But the conviction would always seem just a little too convenient, and the ways that the kids were chosen and killed were always the same, or at least similar enough. I explained to Vince what you’d said was going on, and it fits.

I only explained everything to Vince once we’d met up a few times and I was sure I could trust him. None of the killer’s chosen victims when we were kids knew him anyway, and if he was the killer then I doubt that he’d have chosen to talk about the case in such detail with me. The killer’s already proven that they’re willing to kill anyone who gets close. This approach would be rather counterproductive.

So that makes five of us who are looking into it. Although Teresa has requested that she doesn’t get dragged  _ too _ much into it, so it’s more like four and a half. She’s probably the most sensible among us to be honest, like I just said, this killer is willing to kill anyone who gets close. We know that we could be putting ourselves in harm’s way. Teresa said that her grandmother’s already had to cut her daughter out of her life, and that she doesn’t want to make her lose her granddaughter as well, and that she also doesn’t want to die. So she’s written her accounts and will give help if we ask, but she won’t be taking the initiative.

The rest of us are being careful, I promise. You’d hate it if we got hurt while trying to figure out what happened to you. And also we don’t want to get hurt because getting hurt would suck.

But we’re looking into it. We’re trying to figure out who the killer is, just like how you and I briefly tried to all those years ago.

Thing is, I think I know who it was. And I have pretty good reasons for thinking it, as well. But there’s no concrete proof, and I’m keeping an open mind to other theories. The others think I’m onto something though. I’m not gonna write down their name or my reasons why, for complicated reasons that Sonya can explain better than me. But yeah. I have a prime suspect.

Now we just need proof.

Newt

  
  


Dear Tommy,

Minho and Teresa’s wedding was beautiful!

Everything went to plan for once. Nobody coughed or sneezed during the service, nothing got spilled on any dresses, nobody screwed up their lines, nobody got embarrassingly drunk, and there weren’t any spurned exes deciding to ruin everything like what sometimes happens in the movies.

Gally was one of Minho’s best men, and I was the other. He couldn’t have all of us. At one point he was seriously considering having everyone as best men, but thankfully Teresa talked him down from that one. It would’ve been way too chaotic. Eventually he just asked which of us wanted to be it, reminding us that it involved a speech, and Gally and I volunteered.

Gally’s speech was about 90% roasting him and 10% expressing how much we all care about him and Teresa and how happy everyone is for them. It was great and I’m reasonably sure that Alby filmed it, so you’ll get to watch it one day.

My speech was a lot more emotional. Minho’s been my closest friend for over a decade now, and he saved my life. People were crying with laughter at Gally’s speech, and were just crying at mine. Alby filmed that one too, if you like.

Teresa had Rachel and Brenda as her maids of honour. They did a bloody amazing job and looked stunning.

There’s only one thing that was missing from last night, and that was you.

Teresa told me just before the service that she wished you could’ve been there, that it didn’t seem right to have such a large life event without you. I told her that you wouldn’t have wanted them to not live their lives, but until you get the chance to tell her that yourself, I think part of her is always going to feel a bit bad about it.

Minho didn’t say anything, but I know he was thinking it. But he knew you better than Teresa did, so whenever any stray thoughts that were along the lines of  _ ‘we shouldn’t be doing this without Thomas’ _ popped up, he could tell himself to stop being a dumbass. He’d probably also benefit from hearing you say it though.

If I know you, and I do, then this wedding being able to happen at all would make you incredibly happy. It would reassure you that everything you did was worth it.

It went amazingly.

I’ll come see you sometime tomorrow, it’s been a while since I’ve visited.

Newt

  
  


Tommy,

You could actually wake up soon!!!! For years now the concept of you waking up has felt more and more like some far off thing, that was sure to happen one day, but not at a time near enough to give any real thought to.

But there’s been a change in your condition for the first time since it started.

A GOOD change!

Jesus, Tommy. It’s been over 13 years since this started. 13 bloody fucking years.

I’m a mess of emotions right now, can you tell?

Your brainwaves stopped resembling those who are nearly or completely braindead, and started looking more like those who are just asleep.

You’re  _ alive _ in there. Actually alive in there. There’s proof. Real proof. You’re still here, and you’re coming back to us.

You’re breathing on your own, too. I haven’t seen your face without the breathing aids since we were kids, but now you don’t need them anymore.

It was kinda weird. Seeing your face, that is. For 13 years it’s been obscured by the breathing apparatus, and now it’s gone.

You’re not a kid anymore.

Whenever I think about you, I think about the kid I was best friends with. But when you wake up, it’ll be in the body of an adult. You’ll basically still be a kid, but other people won’t see you that way. I don’t envy you.

But I promise, when you wake up, I’ll be here for you. We’ll all be here for you. For whatever you need, or however long, or anything really.

The doctors haven’t been able to give us an estimation of when you’ll wake up. They’ve told us that it could still be years until it happens. All they can really say at this point is that it’s now more likely that your coma will end with you waking up, rather than with you dying.

I’m so,  _ so, _ happy that you’re getting better.

Hopefully I can see you wide awake soon. I wonder what your smile will look like on that new face of yours.

Newt


	6. year 15

Dear Tommy,

Teresa and Minho’s daughter is adorable!

They haven’t quite decided on a name yet. She was only born a few days ago, and Teresa’s been too tired to really think about it, But they’re probably going to have to make a final decision today. Last I heard, they were trying to decide between Diana and Kaya. Obviously, unless you wake up sometime in the next few hours, you’ll know what they settled on already.

When I went to see them in the hospital, Teresa referred to me as ‘uncle Newt’. It was such a strange feeling, being called that. The whole time that she was pregnant, I didn’t think about how the child would refer to me. There was never any question about whether or not I’d be a part of its life. There’s no way that I wouldn’t be, considering how close I am with its parents. But uncle? Alby’s gone to visit them already as well, and he didn’t get called ‘uncle Alby’. It was just me.

Teresa and Minho really think that highly of me?

I’m honoured, and I love that kid already, and I’m gonna be the best goddamn uncle this world has ever seen!

I can’t wait for you to meet her, and I’m sure that Minho and Teresa can’t wait either. You’ll love her. I know you will.

You’re gonna be amazing with kids, when you wake up. I don’t know how I know this. I just do. It’s like a gut feeling. You were so brilliant with everyone around you when we were younger, I can’t possibly imagine a reality where you aren’t good with kids. If you always knew exactly what to do and say back then, then why would now be any different?

If there’s no other reason to get a move on with waking up, then wake up so you can meet this beautiful baby girl.

Newt

  
  


Dear Tommy,

YOU’RE AWAKE !!!!!!!!!

You’re not seeing this letter. I’m writing you another letter that you will be seeing that will get you up to date on all the really important stuff, this one is just for me to yell.

15 years. 15 bloody fucking years. You really made us wait, didn’t you?

It was worth it. Every single second of it was worth it. You have a long road to recovery ahead of you, but you’re  _ here _ and you’re back with us and dammit I’m crying again.

I’ve missed you so fucking much.

Your mum told me that you were awake over text. TEXT for fuck’s sake. And like, I get it. I’d told her that when you woke up I wanted to know asap, and she was probably busy trying to get you to the hospital and wouldn’t want to leave you or do anything that could confuse you, so sending a text was the best option.

But still. A text?

I’m so lucky that I wasn’t with a client at the time, I was only with Vince. We were talking about the case when I got the message. I just started sobbing, the poor man. Gave him one hell of a fright. I ended up just passing him my phone because there was no way I was gonna be able to communicate to him what was going on while still crying, and it wasn’t stopping any time soon.

You’ve been awake for a few weeks now and I’m still not completely sure that this is real. There’s a part of me that thinks that any second now this will all disappear. That I’ll wake up, and this will all have been a dream and you’ll still be asleep. I know that’s not going to happen, I can tell the difference between what’s reality and what isn’t, but that doubt is still there. I can’t help it. You were in that coma for longer than I’d known you before it happened, for longer than we’d been alive! You being unconscious in hospital is my normal. But now you’re  _ conscious  _ in hospital. You’re talking and smiling and laughing and asking questions and I’ve missed you so so  _ so _ much.

It hurts, how much I missed you. I got used to you not being there, but now you’re here again, and it just brings how it felt to be without you into sharp contrast.

Never do that again. I mean it, Tommy. I don’t know if I’d be able to cope if you disappeared on us again. And if not for me, then stick around for your mum.

Your mother is an angel. She’s dedicated all her time to looking after you, and she’s the reason why you’re able to move anything at all. I know you can’t move very much right now, and while I do have a passing familiarity about what that’s like, it must be a million times worse for you. You can’t move anything, you don’t remember what happened, what happened wasn’t your fault, and to cap it all off you’ve basically been displaced in time as well. But we’re all gonna be here for you every step of the way. The Thomas I know wouldn’t let anything keep him down.

I know I’m gonna have to tell you about my leg one day. Minho told me that he’s going to tell you not to ask, which is good of him. Let’s be real, you’d ask me about it immediately if he doesn’t, and if you ask about it then I’ll end up telling you the truth. And that would put a bit of a damper on our first visit. I  _ will _ tell you, but I’ll tell you once you’ve had the chance to recover some.

Teresa said that she’s bringing DeeDee to come and see you the moment that she’s able to sleep through the night. She said that she didn’t want to end up falling asleep on you, so she’s gonna leave it until then. None of us can wait for you to meet the baby!

That other letter I’m writing is so serious and explain-y and this one is just an explosion of thoughts, but that letter is important. There’s a chance that you’ll never read it. I know that. But it’ll be there for you, should you ever decide that you want to know more about what happened. And you’re Thomas Cooper. You’re going to want to know more about what happened.

Well. You and me both mate.

Do you know what I found earlier this week? That page of doodles, from the first time you stayed in school with me when Sonya had choir but running club was cancelled. Your mum gave it to me when she packed up your old room. I think I’m gonna put it in the folder, along with the other letter and everything else I’m putting in there. It’s yours, after all, and I know that you really liked it. I hope it makes you smile again.

I might put one more thing in there, too. I haven’t decided yet. It might not be a good idea. But fucking hell, it’s been a decade and a half and I’ve got questions! I’m not gonna hold you to what you said about telling me everything, you don’t even remember saying that, but it’s possible that a gentle nudge might help? Maybe? But it might be too much to spring on you all at once. Ugh I don’t know, I’ll decide when I put it all together.

Minho and I are going to see you tomorrow, and I want to have the other letter and the whole packet it’s going in done by then. So I’d better get on with that.

See you soon!!! For real this time!!!!!

Newt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and then he fell into another coma that lasted for an extra year lmao
> 
> now this is done, i'm tentatively marking this series as being complete. there's a possibility that i might add to it someday (if you have any suggestions or requests then please let me know) but it's basically complete !!!!!
> 
> i really hope you've enjoyed, and thank you so much for reading <33

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos make me love you forever
> 
> come say [hi!!!](https://astralpenguin.tumblr.com/)


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